24 Acts of Random Mischief
Sick to the back teeth of staring into sunsets and counting your blessings? Fed up of the happy brigade imploring you to spread good cheer? Would you rather give a random stranger a scowl rather than a smile? My EVIL ADVENT calendar works like a normal advent calendar but instead of the usual chocolate countdown I suggest you embrace the true spirit of Scrooge by completing these 24 random acts of mischief.
Convince your next-door neighbour that you have purchased a cat by leaving your unique signature by their front door and across their lawn.
Pay for your week’s shopping in a busy city centre mini supermarket with uncounted two pence pieces. Drop them mid count and start again.
Scream when the hairy exhibitionist at your local gym strips off in the changing area and shout ‘Rat!’
Sabotage your young niece’s festive dot to dot by drawing a line from 24 to 36.
Spend time getting to know local residents, then ignore them.
Request the finer details of every Sparks card deal at the busiest till your local M&S, much to the bemusement of a snaking queue of pensioners.
Accuse the office chatterbox of nicking all your pens on Christmas jumper day. Don’t back down.
Retract every compliment you have ever given. In writing. Don’t hold back.
Give overdue library books as Christmas gifts.
Befriend people in local cafés, regal them with upbeat tales and ask if you can join them at their table. When their meal arrives change tack and describe in detail a recent, horrific bowel movement. Use plenty of adjectives.
Now’s the time to start crafting your own Christmas cards with coloured card and crude poster paint prints of your nether regions.
Phone an old acquaintance and describe, at length, their three worst qualities. Suggest they do the same to you. Put the phone down before they have chance to speak.
Repeatedly lie to a competitive friend about how many steps you have completed. Start off with a slight exaggeration and add a random number, higher than 158, every day. 207 works well.
Sign all your Christmas cards ‘Best Wishes Nigel Farage x’
Wipe your bum with your wrist and ask a painted lady in your local department store for a similar scent for your wife for Christmas.
Get on board with the bottle flipping craze and challenge your elderly Uncle Monty to a game with his most expensive bottle of port.
Wake everyone up at 5am bellowing ‘It’sssssss Christmassssss!’.
Take week old fruit to the office’s festive Jacob’s Join, without apology. Then eat all the good stuff everyone else has brought.
Wrap up an empty box for a friend in fancy paper with ribbons and bows and sing Evil Blizzard’s ‘Nothing For Christmas’ quietly as they open it. Ask them if they like it.
Hold an impromptu mannequin challenge during a particularly manic late night shopping session in town. Don’t move until someone calls the police.
Go to the pub with friends for Christmas drinks. Spend ages trying to decide what to have, holding everyone up at the bar, then opt for a glass of tap water with a twist of lime and three ice cubes. Repeat five times, varying the number of ice cubes.
Turn that frown into a scowl.
Find the temperature control settings in your local M&S and crank up the heat.
Play festive knock a door run, in the nude.
© Maureen of Barnsley.
See what Maureen has in store for you with her very irregular Horrorscopes.